That Which I Speak....

I sit here wondering what has become of my mother.It is such a long story.She married a man she did not love nor wanted.She took her out of need and co-dependence.He treats her like trash,he's nasty and just revolting.She married him after mere months of having known him.What was she thinking?

Fast forward about a year after they married.I stayed with them briefly.He showed how truly two faced he could be.How nasty,cursing you for everything and anything.Demanding you adhere to his religious views while he himself ignored it.Is it not a sin to curse,gamble,cheat,lie,to have unclean thoughts?By his own religious views he is damned yet thinks he's surely getting into heaven.Why?He was "saved' while he was in prison for whatever crimes he committed.(he never will say what they were)But this being 'saved" is not some get out of hell free card he thinks it is.Its not some "do what i want now" card either.Why do people always believe this?

That aside,i watched my mother fall apart further,drink herself to sickness.I watched her curse and scream,break things,hurt herself,vomit.And I cleaned the mess up,as a good child would do.I would deal with her saying she was going to kill herself.I would deal with her saying she was unloved and that i hated her.I would clean up any mess to she made,and ignore the hurtful comments.

They would fight day and night, in person or via phone.Nothing was ever right to either of them over anything.They would egg each other on to no end.I hated to hear it,it reminded me so much of my childhood.I sought ways to escape it...

At some point i begged over and over again for her to leave him.She would say yes,then change her mind.I remember the day I left.She packed many things up,we got the uhaul.I loaded it nearly full and then he called.And her mind changed and i had to unload it and we took it back.She did not leave with me that night.It was depressing and i worried for her.I couldn't stop feeling guilty for having left her there but what else could I do?She said she'd follow me...i almost believed it.

Two weeks later the call comes in.He caught her drunk or something idk,and he wanted her out.Come we say...we're here for you.She says she is leaving.She gets as far as Crestview Florida and what happens?No more calls,no more information.She's off the map.She wont answer her phone or return a call.When we last tried,she did answer but only because she didn't know the number,and she quickly hung up once she knew it was my cousin.She would not answer when i called from my phone right after.Nor has she called me back.

Still not knowing if she was safe or where she may be I emailed a friend of her's who i thought may be able to shed some light on the matter.What i was told is she turned around and went back to Baton Rouge.That said friend hasn't heard from her either since,she wont answer the phone calls.

It makes me mad.It upsets me to no end.Why would she cut her family out this way.How could she just leave everyone hanging without at least saying something to let us know what she was doing.I feel ever so betrayed and abandoned.But that is life right.I shouldn't expect any more from someone who never wanted me to start with.

Oh well i dont' know what to feel anymore.

Much like a pickle in the wind i am back again.I am sitting bored at this computer.Its not mine...i wish it was lol.So I'm about to move back home to Florida.I don't know if i should stay with my Uncle or with my Brother.Yes MY brother who for some reason offered to let me stay with him free.I almost choked on what i was sure was a razor.We haven't really spoke in years nor seen each other.And some dead dark slice of me desires to have some form of a relationship with him.I can't explain why.

So the question still falls to who to stay with.Both have their pro's and con's some serious,but some minor at best.I just don't know yet.I do know one thing...I'm so excited to get the fuck out of here lol.I hate my mom's husband with every drop of my soul.I hope he burns in whatever hell he thinks he isn't going to.The man is nothing but pure evil as far as I'm concerned.He has no heart or soul,no spirit.I don't know what she ever saw in him nor can i ever care to understand why she wants to remain.She has said she is leaving but backs down every time it comes to deliver.Now she says she is and then not,so i have no idea.But i do know come this Saturday I'm leaving with or without her and she has to give me an answer tonight period.

The back and forth thing has me stuck.And its killing me on the inside.I doubt she understand you know.ugh well I'm done then.Pickle Out

Oh and i still adore Rob more than i probably should you know.

OKay so wtf is up with my Ex Bf's new Boyfriend all over chubspot?Seriously everywhere i look there he is.What is he doing you ask?Playing in the rating game...you know what that is right? lol Anyway out side that it seems like every time i find a dude i think is cute on the site BOOM there is my ex's man telling them they are "cuties" and telling them how "suckable" their cocks are and where he lives.Its enough to make me want to vomit acid razors.I mean seriously what kind of a douche is he?Not that i care he's on the site,but wtf he's all over talking sweet smack to dudes.I guess its cosmic revenge on my ex but still it annoys the shit out of me to have to see him slide in on dudes i like.UGH!!

In closing I'd just like it if he wasn't hitting on other guys esp. the ones i like.LMAO He's an fugly bitch anyway and to old to be hitting on 18yr olds.Not that i got much room to talk at 27 but fuck off lol.

I wanted to share the love with all my people for the fierce Diva Drag Queen The Goddess Raven!Please Check out her youtube page :http://www.youtube.com/RavenTheGoddess and her Fab myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/the_goddessraven

So like blah blah pickle.I'm preparing myself mentally for a move.My mom and her way crazy husband are moving out to Baton Rouge possibly end of this month or the start of next.Whatever,I'm so over it.

He nearly kicked me out and cussed me and my mom for all we were worth.It was insane,like beyond that eve.IDK why she chose him but its her life right.

So I was like going through the emotions of thinking i was kicked out and you know what,I realized i had one friend to actually depend on.Only ONE came through for me.Isn't that sad?Am i so bad?hmm Oh well. Though I don't place any blame,i know we all have a lot going on in our lives,and who am I to say my issues should be before anyone else issues?It would be damn rude and stupid of me!That aside,Candice was there for me.IDK why at times,but she's always been a top friend in my book. =0) She's cool like that.Even when we hate each other its not for real...real friendship so hard to find ya know.

So Candice is trying to secure a place.It'll be small,and painful but I'm looking forward to it.The location would be good actually.I'm hoping to have a total restart on my life there.All the while sorting out what guy i like and why and who i should see and who I shouldn't lmao.Like i should even be concerned with men at this point.But i can't help it,its a driving need in my life.Oh well moving along...

I haven't told any family i plan to move back to Gainesville.I figure why tell them,I don't want them to know where I am.I'll have to tell my mom before hand of course,cause she thinks i'm going with her.I just can't do it...i just can't!!So only friends and the few who read this actually know...lol.

SO WTF Is God punishing me and everyone i know?

Let me start with my Friend who moved to NYC and has gotten mugged,robbed,and beaten.He's blind in one eye now and who knows if he'll regain any of his sight in that eye.UGH my god how awful that made me feel when i heard.I worry so over it.

My friend who was gonna get us a place in Gainesville...well the place fell through so I'm double fucked.You all know I nearly got kicked out,then not.But i live with my Mom and her Hubby right now...and they were sup to be moving to Baton Rouge.Now they May or may not who knows.But I know i don't fucking want to move there period end of story amen thanks.

I'd honestly hate myself for it if i moved to Baton Rouge.Not only would i be a the mercy of my mom's hubby,but i'd be away from some of the most important people to me.Aka Jaryd and Rob.*UGH* And I was just getting close to them both.I just...hate fuckin life.

And My Friend is having her own melt down too.I feel so bad that there is nothing I can do for her too.WTF

Poor rob is having a major melt after working like 18days in a row.I think he's having some emotional backlash and such fun shit.UGH bless his soul i adore him so much.I hope he'll be okay but i'm sure he will with some rest...

And my other friend is now unable to move because of money issues.He and his mom/dad are stuck in a place they just hate.They had hopes of moving but no that got slashed too.

So Yes...Is god just hatin on me and everyone else i know too?I mean wtf is with life all of a sudden.*UGH* Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Ugh so what do you do when you like soemone,they like you,but they dont want to date?They want to see you but thats it.And they live 2hours away..UGH my god...my god my god...
I
i'm so like WOW about this guy.Ugh i shouldn't even like people right now!I need to be fixing my life but....I'm so clingy LMAO I need affection and love in my life or i'm just bat shit lmao oh well whats an old diva to do....

So i'm getting kicked out by Friday.It really sucks....alot.Not sure whats going to happen just yet.Not sure if my mom is following suit.Hey Hubby went on a 4 hour rage session and wants me gone now.And he wanted her gone too,but i guess he changed his mind IDK.He told me to never call her again.That i was nothing to her.WTF is he thinking?She's my mother.

So she is seeking a place for me(possibly her? idk) to stay.I however,am still planning a move to Gainesville.My friend Candice is working on getting a place there.I had Lee make copies and mail them of the documents she needed so hopefully that'll help speed things up.Plus i hope she is able to get emergery status on the case and get a place quickly ahead of others.

*SIGH* SO i'll be offline once again for some time.I'm only on now because i walked 2.5miles in the stinky humid heat to the libary to change all my passwords and inform everyone i could of my current status.Sucks right lol.

My poor ghetto phone is out of minutes,so can't call anyone ouch!! BLAH and that is all for now i think....Please don't worry anyone.
HUGS

SO like yeah...I'll be going off line for an unknown amount of time come sunday.I been using my friends Laptop but now his mom needs it so...i'm out of a laptop lol. Sucks for me...So wont be able to check emails or anything for some time...really blows ass chunks hugely *sad*


So see everyone when i can *HUGS*

Hello Gentle Readers,

As you all know I'm gay.So of course i enjoy the occasional gay chat room.I logged into gay.com chat while i surf around checking emails and other lovely morning things.Not looking for anything in chat mind you,just passing time talking to those I know.Suddenly this morning i got a random IM from some guy in Gainesville,Fl.Its close to me,i accept out of bored interest and check his profile.Just friends it says he is seeking,in a mom. relationship.Well,i think that can't be so bad.Then of course the guy opens his mouth and removes any doubt that he's worthless.He's looking for a hookup because he's "bored".LMAO That just figures I think,cheating,but i give him a chance to come clean or perhaps his profile is out of date?I ask well what about your bf,his reply you ask my readers? "I don't have a boyfriend,why would you think that?" But wait..your profile..those photos,and the bf's profile (I'm sneaky like this)! He freaks and calls me a cocky son of a bitch.A stuck up straight wanna be.

Oh dear lord how i laughed at this poor sad excuse for a man.How am I cocky when he's the one running around on his boyfriend and i merely called him out on it?Guess some people can't handle reality to well.Sides,he was fugly and lord knows what he had.As if i was interested in a random booty call! lol.

And how am I a straight wanna be?If you're going to have a bf,and a closed relationship i merely feel you should actually respect that or tell your bf/gf whoever,that it wont work for you.You can not have your cake and eat the pie too.Its just not fair,and it wont work.But I'm a straight wanna be because this is how i believe.Hmm,well if gay means whore then i must be something else.LMAO

Thats today's humorous rate my friends.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Hello my sweet pickles.

Its been awhile mostly cause...thats how i roll.Not that i been busy but because I've just had jack to say.And here's whats new:nothing. LMAO

So IDK if Rob even likes me anymore.He barely texts me and we haven't talked online in some time.I still like him of course but whats a diva to do?I don't want to sit here and wait on someone my whole life lol.He could just be busy,or just not care. haha He makes time for others,but i'm not that high up on his list.But its cool.He has texted me a couple times on his own in the last couple weeks.But most of my texts go unreplied,and he doesn't comment much.So IDK but i guess its just whatever it is.

So my dearest ex of ex's Casey is having some issues.I feel awful for him and wish I could do more than simple words.He hasn't worked in 6months because he was laid off by his last job.How awful is that?Sure i haven't worked even longer but still,its about him.How he's managed to stay afloat is beyond me.I know he has a bf but i wonder in what state their relationship it.I hope they love each other.Despite being my ex I still love him to pieces.I don't want to see him suffer like he is right now.I just don't know what if any help can be given or what he should do.I know he doesn't want to come back to Florida but it looks as if that may be the only possible option for him at this point.And that...isn't what any of us would want for him. Blah

As for me...I'm feel under the heat.Well i got sun burned so that sucks.LOL ANd yet i feel like tanning for the first time in my life.But i'd likely cook like a lobster out here. LMAO Oh well...So I'm hating it here where i am.If i found a job it might be okay but i doubt it.I'm already wanting to pick up and move else where.Where IDK? Orlando,tampa,Las Vegas?I already lived in Vegas but i honestly miss it.Its like crack,haha.I just miss the Las Vegas Big Men's Club.It was active and the only time i really ever felt okay being who and what I am.I mean its all big men and men who love them...and I'm BIG lol.

So while Vegas is high on my list i wont hold my breath.It would be so costly to return there..but.Eh anyway IDK lol.I could just move to Gainesville.IDK Candice what you think?I already know but lol.

I feel so unsafe where I am.I have to listen to my mom and her hubby fight when he's home.Its revolting and like a redo of my childhood.Who wants to deal with that?No one i should think..blah.


So i had this interview at Office Max.It blew bats.I had to wait almost 2hours after i was sup to be interviewed to actually get an interview.WTF? And then it only lasted 30minutes and was so casual and blah that idk what will happen.I like to think i'll get it,but who knows.We'll see..if not fuck it i'll find something else right! lol

Oh well Pickle Out!

So OMG!! Haha I had such a sour day yesterday and felt nothing could lift my utterly shit mood.Of course that was stupid of me to think.So I'm sitting at the computer clackin away moaning to several friends and my phone rings.Confused as to who the hell would actually be calling me I look and omg...It was Rob.He's never called me before.We've always chatted online or via text,so shocked i stared at it for a minute before i could answer LMAO.

So wow...All i can say is he barely shut up for the next 52 minutes(i actually checked the timer on my phone)He just talked away like he's known me his whole life.It was delightful really,he made me smile and he made me laugh.Of course being the dork I am my poor brain shut down on me the second I seen his name on my phone.So i barely was able to speak anything that made sense.LMAO But its okay because like I said,he barely gave me a breath to speak.

As it turns out He was waiting for a friend to meet him for dinner.He was "bored" and of all the people he could call he chose me.He didn't say why and I didn't bother asking.It was nice to know he was thinking of me,and that on some level he wanted to talk.I know its seriously high-school-you-like-me funny to get so worked up over a phone call. lol Its just after all this time online I wanted to know what his voice sounded like and i got the chance.I had actually wanted to call her earlier that day but didn't because I was afraid to bother him.I'm starting to think he is almost psychic or something.lol

I admit his voice is not what I expected.But it wasn't bad.,I mean lol thats so dork of me to say.Being gay our voices truly come in a wide spectra,some very manly and some very fem. haha I don't mind either way.His was a bit more queen than I expected.BUT haha i loved it idk why.Its just looking at his photos and his interest i just expected something else.Wrong of me to assume really.But its not a complaint...It was magical and i haven't yet got his voice out of my mind(not that I've been trying to lol)I couldn't sleep for hours after i talked to him.

And so that was cute.He talked about his work and about comedians he likes.We discussed the humor of me having "destoryed" as he put it a chair earlier in the day.Its true i sat on this chair and it broke.But it was old and weak and shitty so i don't feel so bad.He went on a bit about Super-Con (if you're dorky/geeky.nerdy you know what this is)and how some friend had bailed on their troop of 40 and isn't going.Shame i'd love to go haha

I woke up today and checked my many messages...and he left me a video on myspace to make me laugh.Its cute he thinks of me,and isn't that what we all want?


*sigh* how delightful...hehhe



The only reason i was in sour mood was due to my mother's shitty hubby.Sure i know its "their" house or "his" in his mind at least.But He told my mother i'm not keeping up with the cleaning well enough...And let me explain.

First i have very little respect for this man.He is possibly bi-polar(no issue with that really but work with me)a former crack head and drunk.He gambles and just Sunday lost over $100.He doesn't favor gay folks,which lol my mom doesn't approve of.(she has 2 gay friends)He's also very OCD when it comes to cleaning.The house is spotless by 99% of peoples standards.I clean everyday even if its not needed,because he demands it.

He expects the house to be swept,mopped,dusted,and vacuumed daily.Beds made and everything else.I'm sorry but this place does not need that every day.I was kindly told i should be on my hands and knee's scrubbing the floor.Uh...no I'm sorry I don't believe I have slave-whore across my forehead.

And since I been here little more than a week i may add,He has asked me everyday if I've found a job.Now seriously...do you think I've been able to find a job in less than a week in a small city that most of its stores etc have closed up and left town?Uh NO thank you.He even asked my mother what my priorities were.I find that a bit rude.He wasn't man enough to directly ask me.Mind you, my main focus is to find work,and always has been.I guess all the app's i put in mean nothing since he isn't here to see me do it.IDK

He's basically one of those born-again "saved" Christians who think they are god's gift.He wants my mom to be a submissive house wife.IDK it really annoys me and I may have him around if he yells at my mom again.Of course,he's not to holy since he quit going to his church because "he just doesn't like it anymore" and he gambles his money away.And he curses worse than any sailor i've ever known...such holy traits I have to say.At least he's out of town for 2weeks.Though he gave me the icy impression that if I hadn't found a job by the time he got back he wanted me out.Fuck him he has no idea who would be "out" if he tried that.

I'm sorry i got on my soap box here lol.I had to get it off my chest.

So this is kind of ghetto of me but...My birthday is coming up in July and I could use a bit of help lol. I want to go to Orlando to see my sweet heart (yes dorky of me)And So its not that pricy.I just need like $70 so....I was hoping in the great kindness that is all of you that ya'll would hep me out in my time of need.Not asking for much...just anything you could spare...a dollar or 5 haha.

Since I don't have a job right now its really hard to scrap up the money to go...but i'd love you all forever if you helped me out just a tiny bit =0) And its for my Birthday so yeah no one need get me a gift lol. So please click on this paypal button(if it bloody works lol)

Or you can send payment to me via paypal of course using this email address: neil_powell06@yahoo.com thats the email i have my account under.

Okay...I have a headache,this stupid net keeps cutting out.It cut off on me during my Rob time...the fucking evil thing.NO way..it can shut off all it likes when i'm not talking to my Rob. lmao god

I have sucha headache i swear.Before it was heart burn now this,and i forgot to brush my teeth.But here i am sitting out in this shed typing cause im blah.I did apply for a couple jobs today though.Hope to get something soon. =0)I don't even care much what it is at this point.I just need to be employed so i can get some serious travel time in.Not that it costs much to go to Orlando from here like idk $70 round trip if booked a week ahead of time.

And yeah...its all i can focus on.Lame huh? haha After my first blog yesterday Rob came back online.I think we talked like idk 5hours yesterday total.He flirted his self to death in the latter chat.Which, compared to the first chat of the date was like day/night. I guess he gets confused or maybe he's scared of being hurt.I promise i wont hurt him,lol.All i want is someone special to cuddle with and he sure does like to do that.And He makes me smile,its cute how he will text me good night.It makes me smile,goofy.I love how he calls me dork,stupid but cute.


And blah again.My eyes hurt,its bout to rain again.Does it ever not rain here i do wonder at times.I guess i should go over and let the cat inside.She's been sitting at the back door staring me down for the last 20minutes waiting for me to get up.She's weird like that.Of course she'll go in for like 1-3 minutes and want back out.Still,she's a cute cat.She likes to sleep in my bed at nite.

okay that was all random and now im going to go brush my teeth and take a small tiny nap...

So i'm home now.Its not to bad.I wasn't offline as long as i would have believed.I've been able to talk to Rob every day even though i have moved.Either via text messages(alot of them)or now online.My friend Lee was kind enough to loan me his laptop and the guy next door is letting me use his WiFi =0) Its nice to be able to get online lol.

So i don't think my mom told her Hubby I'm gay.He's a very religious man.He's made some comments but eh..who knows lol.Its okay i guess no big deal.

So now i'm on job hunt.Not much here of course but i'm trying.I want to see Rob after all.Though we've been talking.I'm not sure he's interested in dating really due to the number of nutter's he's encountered in the past.I guess thats okay,I adore him and only want him to be happy.I just want some snuggle time lol. But i guess he does like me,so who knows. only in good time right.

So i guess blah lol i'm so whatever right now as i sit here and type this out.I don't have anything to interesting to say beyond that really.haha

Okay...
So I'm sitting here talking to my major crush.I am SO in like with him.I know how dork of me lol.We openly talked of our affections for each other.We talked about the all important cuddle before bed.We both agree snuggles before is great but not while trying to sleep lol.At least till morning when you know roll over kiss,cuddle,and then breakfast.As it turns out we sleep in similar fashion..that is to say we both toss and turn a lot before going to actual sleep.He then shared his collection of anime and musical clips.I loved the fact he has Japanese version of Wicked.(we're both Japan freaks...lol)

He said he wanted someone like him,to date,because people that don't share his interests tend to not work well.Hmmm,I like to think we share a lot of common interests like anime,music,musicals...musicals from Japan...lol.Also see video games and affection.Our sense of humor seems to match up too.Though he's a bit more out going and social than I am.I think we're a fair match.Not bad for someone I've talked to off and on for nearly 2years.

Anyway...at two points in our 2 hour convo online he mentioned possibly seeing me soon.Either stealing me for a day or coming up to spend the day with me.I'm down for either/or personally.And its all him on that,I never said anything he brought it up.lol So i know he really likes me.I would love some serious snuggle time i wont lie.lol anyway IDK my friend Candice said its rushing things but....idk if i agree.Can I call it rushing if i've known him so long?Sure we just recently started to have romantic interests in each other but still..idk.I don't think its rushing.But i know she's coming from a good place,concerned since I did just get out of a relationship.Im not going to rush into anything else but i like how this is going so far...hehe who wouldn't.

Anyway its way late and i'm tired so GOOD NIGHT!!!

So its midnight when I start this.I'm tired,I'm cold,and My heart is racing 100miles a second.And I'll get to why in a minute. lol SO Its been weird.MY ex has tried to be nasty to me by refusing to allow me to watch tv,or use to the PC.It didn't last of course once i phoned his mother.lol She is very mad at him over the break up.For some reason she figured we'd be a couple forever...idk.But he got over his bitch spell and things moved on.

It rained all day.He was in a bad mood,i was in a bad mood because...i wanted to go walking but could not...unless i wanted to get soaked.So i could not escape him.Blah. We didn't really fight after his morning groaning but eh.I can't wait to get out of here on Saturday.My mom promised to make me meatloaf...i know that sounds weird but she makes the best and always burns the ends...which I love.LMAO

I can tell you I'll miss the internet till i get it back.lol

So Even though I just ended a relationship I been talking to someone.It didn't start out like this but hold up.Its a friend of mine I've chatted with online for years now off and on.He suddenly messaged me one day and who was I to ignore a friend.I've always liked him and now he suddenly shows some possible romantic interest too.hehe I'm sucha dork....But he's easy to talk to,likes everything I like,and he can sew.How fun! lol But no he's way more social than me which is something I really need.He only lives a few hours from where I'll be so that isn't so bad.And he likes to cuddle,lame of me to mention my utter weakness for affection.Something I didn't get much of as a child.And He finally gave me his number,so i can text him when i move and keep in touch.It was so sweet of him,he said he wanted to make sure I could get a hold of him.

I promised once I got settled to save up a bit of money and go see him for a weekend.Of course he offered his sofa(or possibly his bed with no sexual intentions implied i swear)if i wanted to come down.And of course I want to see him.*sigh* But should I want to see someone when I just dumped someone?Though I have talked to him for a couple years at least now,he's a friend before anything else...and if we happen to snuggle that's okay right?He's a prefect gentlemen i swear,has never spoken one sexual thing to me ever...unless you count telling me I'm a hottie and cutie as sexual.Or saying he'd love to cuddle sometime...idk lol.

I feel like some high school girly dork right now haha.

SO, Yeah Today I was sitting at the pc and chatting like always.Then my ex who didn't know he was my ex because I hadn't told him asked to talk to me.He was like...i need to tell you something.So i started, are you bored?hungry? want to break up?
He says we need to break up,I laughed and said I'll be out next weekend.He was thrilled,lmao.Turns out...and this is where it gets real weird, he has been talking to some other dude and "dating" him behind my back.Figured he was since that's how he rolls.Turns out this guy is someone i talked to and nearly dated more than 3years ago now.And he knew I was with my ex,which makes it all the more ghetto.He basically told my ex to dump me to date him.LMAO fine fine i was dumping him anyway but what if i hadn't been?wow would have gotten nasty you know.

After that talk we had lunch.I told him i'm taking the dvd's,cd's, and I'll continue to make use of his napster to go account.HE also agreed to spend me money bi-weekly to cover cost of my med's till i find a job.Amazing what I can get out of someone in a break up..lol>I must sound awful for that bit but eh.He did offer the money who am I to turn it down?

So that is my weird bit for the day...

So i just woke up and can't seem to shake off my sleep.Even with a shower and now some nice hot tea.Hopefully this shall pass blah lol.Its one of the awful affects of being me.I don't know why I'm also so tired,well besides being so big. =0( I'm working on that one.Its on my list of things to fix about my life lol.

Weight being such a serious issues and esp. one in my family.My Grandmother was big,my Grandfather was big,my Uncle is big,and I am also big.Our family is cursed with several joint issues,high blood pressure,diabetes,cancers,and even heart concerns.I hope to avoid most of them if possible.Though my left knee is slightly out of whack now,blah.I'll fix it.I don't by any means intend to be some skinny thin rail that the world seems to love so much.Partly because i just can not believe I'd be able to get that thin,and partly because I'd never want to be so thin.I'd like to go back to being around 230lbs or so.Which would be about a loss of 130lbs.A whole person really lol.

I don't feel like placing any blame for it,no one made me big but me after all.Though maybe some genetic issues played some part into it.I was diagnosed with an eating disorder.I continue to work on that.When I'm moved I plan to work out and eat much much better and much less lol.At the moment high stress and low mood just feeds (pardon the pun) right into the disorder.Sure I'm aware its there but in the "moment" its just hard to see past it to say no i wont eat this or whatever.Its an addiction like any drug.I will just have to much harder to get off this.I'm considering going to OA meetings, which is much like AA only this is for those who have eating issues instead.Its worked well for a couple friends of mine so why not try it at the least right.

But I do have that sorta plan in place.So I'll be doing more walking esp. with Lee.Then we'll work out at his mini home gym...hehe.No people to stare at us you know how it is.Eat way better...possibly add the OA meetings in.Sounds like a good enough plan.I know it'll help my asthma and joint pain right.

ANYWAY wow did not mean to turn this into a health blog lol.But I guess that was what my mind settled on.And I suddenly feel much more awake ahhh its a nice feeling.I know that sounds odd but you just have no idea. lol

Hmm,And another note:Can't be to thin and be a drag queen!lol I've concluded all the really good queens are a bit meaty.At least the ones i enjoy the most are,such as Jackie Beat.If you've never heard any of her music try it out.She's extremely funny,just can not take her serious at all.

And with that I am off to twitter and then reply to messages.Have a Amazing Day Readers.